Heart Shift

Something shifted in my heart lately—some stomach-turning, toe-tingling, courageous feeling.

I sat in the car with a friend the other day after Bible study. It was a rough week for the both of us. I spilt my guts about this guy I liked but didn’t think the pace in our relationship was moving in a godly direction. In other words, we were getting physical too quickly.

My friend looked me square in the face. With her most sincere, affectionate tone she said, “Sometimes you have to learn the hard way.”

I let this roll around in my head for a few minutes. I didn’t want to believe that. I didn’t deserve to be kicked to the curb by a guy who barely knew me. I didn’t deserve the kind of relationship based more on sex than real intimacy.

The more I thought about the relationship the more I began to ask myself the questions the devil wanted me to ask. They are the questions that pervert my mind in its most fragile, defenseless state. What did I say or do wrong? Am I worthy of being deeply loved? If I can’t make a relationship work with him then will I ever be able to find lasting love?

Two weeks was all it took to feel alone. Two weeks to invite weakness in my life disguised as happiness and perfection.

But nothing is such an unbearable crash as perfectionism. It will bring insecurity, fear, anxiety, depression, substance abuse, eating disorders. Perfection won’t bring you closer to someone else. It will demand that we are all hallow human beings. Perfection is incapable of truly seeing someone at their worst and loving them anyway.

“Sometimes you have to learn the hard way.” Maybe I just hate the truth behind those cliché words. I hate how this truth is (to the big picture) rewarding and completely excruciating at the same time. It’s the glass half full or glass half empty scenario.

Will I remain stuck at the point I messed up or will I learn from my mistakes in the future? Will I own up to my faults or will I blame someone else? Is it possible to be beaten down and get back up praising God for the life I have? It is possible to trust with all I have that he will lavishly provide for my life?

Through my setbacks I patiently wait for the Lord to lead me though these dark places. That’s where the heart begins to change. That’s where it becomes clear that my hope is not found in the world but it is found in Christ alone.

Bible_verse

Even when I’m sailing on the waves of emotion, my hope in Christ is my strength. I don’t have to have all the answers to my life. I don’t have to strictly follow some five-year plan. I don’t have to compare myself to what other people are doing. I just have to trust him a little more every day. In the words of Mumford and Sons, I will “love with urgency and not with haste.”

So to all the ladies out there don’t let mistakes in a relationship make you forget who you are. You are a fearfully and wonderfully made treasure. You have friends, family, and many adventures ahead that God is preparing for you.

Stop planning and longing for what’s next but allow God to bring it to you. Allow God’s love to fill you, to empower you, to enrich you.  He will surprise you with a love greater than you can imagine.

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