A Fresh Start

I don’t have enough fingers and toes to count how many times I’ve wanted a do over.

I got a low score on that test because I changed my answers. I second guessed myself. I didn’t say what I wanted to say, so I overlooked my chance at intimacy with that person. I missed an opportunity to serve because it was too far away and too dangerous. When my friends were together, I chose to stay back instead. I chose the effortless activity of watching TV instead of starting that project or hobby I really wanted to do.

I chose to stay where it was safe instead of taking a chance. I limited myself. I promised myself “next time” or “later.” I was afraid. But it wasn’t the end product that scared me. I was afraid of failing. I was afraid others would have the wrong perception of me.

I wasn’t just limiting myself every time I said, “No, I can’t do it,”  “I should just stick with what I know,” or “Other people will say I’m a failure,” I was labeling myself.

Not good enough. Shy. Weak.

I had big ideas but they weren’t compatible with the lies I was feeding myself. Anytime I was faced with a challenge I began to believe these lies, and it wasn’t long before they were true.

English author, Virginia Woolf wrote, “I will not be “famous,” “great.” I will go on adventuring, changing, opening my mind and my eyes, refusing to be stamped and stereotyped. The thing is to free one’s self: to let it find its dimensions, not be impeded.”

Was it possible to change, to open my eyes, and become who I wanted to be? Could I remove my stamps once they left their mark? Could I get another chance?

Even though I come from a Christian background I was always fascinated with the idea of reincarnation. I don’t mean in a sense that I wish to be reborn as a butterfly, a cat, a cow, or an oak tree. I wanted to experience a life—my life where the scars, worries, and unmet expectations were whipped clean.

A rebirth, a fresh embodiment, a new start.

But what if my second chance is learning, redefining, and regaining my sense of self in the life I have now? Maybe I could change my labels and limitations. I could redefine my restrictions.

What if I made failure my friend instead of my enemy? What if I accepted that struggle and criticism was a part of life? What if I changed my later mentality to a now mentality?

Processed with VSCOcam

Processed with VSCOcam

I chose to write under the title Reincarnation of Lindsay Lore to expose the areas in my life I was resisting to let go.

What restrictions are you putting on yourself? What lies have you spun into labels telling yourself that you’re not good enough? What voices make you believe you are stuck?

If you give yourself a second chance and tell yourself you are not afraid, perhaps you will embrace failure and let go.

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